Joseph Stalin jokes

• Joseph Stalin jokes

According to the memoirs of contemporaries, Joseph Stalin was a very witty man. Characteristic of the situation described in his memoirs, one of the guards Stalin A. Rybin.

In Stalin's trips are often accompanied by a guard Tukov. He sat in the front seat beside the driver, and used in a way to fall asleep. Some of the members of the Politburo, with Stalin riding in the back seat, he asked:

- Comrade Stalin, I do not understand any of you whom the guards?

- What is this, - said Joseph Vissarionovich, - he had me his gun in his cloak slipped - take, say, just in case!

Once Stalin was informed that Marshal Rokossovsky appeared mistress - known beauty-actress Valentin Serov. What happened to them we do now? Stalin took the pipe from his mouth, a little thought and said:

- What will that we shall ... be jealous!

Stalin went with the first secretary of the Central Committee of Georgia AI Mgeladze the alleys Kuntsevsky cottages and treated him lemons, which raised himself in his Lemongrass:

- Try here, near Moscow, have grown! And so some time between conversations on other topics:

- Try it, lemons are good!

Finally it dawned interlocutor:

- Comrade Stalin, I promise you that after seven years, Georgia will provide lemon country, and we will not import them from abroad.

- Thank God, guess! - said Stalin.

spores of the post-war borders were at the talks, and Churchill said:

- But the Lions never been a Russian city!

- A Warsaw was - Stalin objected.

During the war, the troops under the command of Baghramyan first came to the Baltic. General personally poured a bottle of water from the Baltic Sea, and ordered his adjutant to fly with her to Moscow for Stalin. But while he was flying, the Germans counterattacked and drove Baghramian from the Baltic coast. By the time of arrival in Moscow adjutant about it we were already aware of, and the adjutant did not know: the plane was not a radio. So proud adjutant entered Stalin's office and proudly reported: - Comrade Stalin, General Bagramyan sends you the water of the Baltic! Stalin took the bottle, a few seconds turned it over in his hands, then gave back his adjutant and said:

- Give back Bagramyan, say, let pour where taken.

different people, who happened to watch movies with Stalin, told me a lot of the episodes on this topic. Here is one of them. In 1939, we watched "The train goes to the east." The film - not so hot: train rides, stops ...

- What is the station? - Stalin asked.

- Demjanovka.

- This is where I'll go, - said Stalin and left the room.

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When designing the car "Victory" was planned that the car will be called the "homeland." Learning of this, Stalin asked ironically: "Well, how do we have a homeland" immediately changed the name of the car.

On the post of Minister of Coal Industry was offered the director of one of the Zasyadko mine. Someone said: "All is well, but he is abusing alcohol!" Stalin told Zasyadko invite yourself. Stalin began to talk with him and offered a drink.

- With pleasure, - said Zasyadko, poured a glass of vodka: - Your health, Comrade Stalin! - I drank and continued the conversation.

Stalin drank little, and, watching, offered by the second. Zasyadko drank another glass - and in either eye. Stalin proposed by the third, but the Zasyadko pushed his glass aside and said:

- Zasyadko measure knows.

At a meeting of the Politburo, when once again raised the question of the candidacy of the Minister and again was told about the abuse of alcohol offered by the applicant, Stalin, walking with a pipe, he said:

- Zasyadko measure knows! For many years, I led our Zasyadko coal industry.

One day, Colonel-General addressed to Stalin with a personal prosboy.- Yes, I have a personal question. In Germany, I have selected some things that interest me, but at the checkpoint they were detained. If possible, I would ask you to return them to me, - he said.

- It's possible. Write a report, I will lay a resolution - Stalin replied.

Colonel-General pulled out a pre-prepared report. Stalin imposed resolution. The petitioner began to thank warmly.

- Not at all - Stalin remarked.

Having read the written report on the resolution: "Return the Colonel his junk. Stalin, "the general asked the Supreme:

- Then slip, Comrade Stalin. I'm not a colonel, and colonel-general.

- No, it's all right, Comrade Colonel, - Stalin replied.

Admiral Isakov to 1938 he was Deputy People's Commissar of the Navy. In 1946, Stalin called him and said that it is believed to appoint him Chief of Naval Staff, in that year renamed the General Staff of the Navy.

Isakov said:

- Comrade Stalin, you have to report that I have a serious drawback: one leg amputated.

- This is the only drawback, which you consider necessary to report? - followed by the question.

- Yes - confirmed Admiral.

- We used to be chief of staff without a head. Nothing worked. You just do not have legs - it's not scary - Stalin concluded.

In the first postwar year, Finance Minister Zverev, concerned about the high fees of several major writers, prepared the corresponding memorandum and presented it Stalinu.- So, it turns out that we have writers millionaires? Horrible sounds, Comrade Zverev? Millionaires writers! - he said Zverev Stalin summoned him. - Terrible, Stalin, badly - the minister affirmed.

Stalin handed financier folder prepared him a note: "Awful, Comrade Zverev, that we have so few writers-millionaires! Writers - is the memory of the nation. And what they write, if they live from hand to mouth? "

In the autumn of 1936 a rumor spread in the West that Joseph Stalin died from a serious illness. Charles Nitter, correspondent of the Associated Press, went to the Kremlin, where Stalin gave to a letter in which he asked to confirm or deny this rumor.

Stalin replied immediately journalist: "Sir! As far as I know from the foreign press reports, I had long since left this sinful world and moved to the light. Since to reports in the foreign press is impossible not to be treated with confidence, if you want to be removed from the list of civilized people, I ask you to believe these allegations and not to disturb my rest in the silence of the other world.

26 October 1936. Yours sincerely, J. Stalin. "

As a foreign correspondent asked Stalin:

- Why is the coat of arms of Armenia, Mount Ararat, because it is not on the territory of Armenia?

Stalin replied:

- The emblem of the Turkish crescent, and he, too, is not on the territory of Turkey.

People's Commissar of Agriculture of Ukraine called on the Politburo. He asked:

- How should I report: briefly or in detail?

- As you wish, you can short, can detail, but three minutes of regulation - said Stalin.

In the Bolshoi Theater prepared a new production of Glinka's opera "Ivan Susanin". Listened to members of the commission headed by the chairman Bolshakov and decided that it is necessary to remove the final "Hail the Russian people!": Church, patriarchalism ... Reported to Stalin.

"And we will proceed differently: final leave, and Bolshakov take off", - he said.

When deciding what to do with the German navy, Stalin offered to divide, and Churchill made a counteroffer: "Flood."

Stalin replied: "That you are my half and drown."

Stalin came to the show in the Art Theater. He was met by Stanislavsky and held out his hand and introduced himself: "Alekseev," calling his real name.

"Dzhugashvili" - Stalin replied, shaking his hand, and walked to his chair.

The US Ambassador William Averell Harriman at the Potsdam Conference Stalin asked:

- After the Germans in 1941 were in the 18 km from Moscow, perhaps, you are now pleased to share the defeated Berlin?

- King Alexander came to Paris, - Stalin replied.