How to become a winner in the dispute

Many people do not like to argue and avoid situations in which a dispute could erupt. However, disputes can serve good purposes and to change the outdated notion more relevant.

In this article you will find secrets from psychologists who can help you to argue, getting right on target and win the dispute. (Of course, the victory in the dispute can mean different things to different people and situations. So do not expect that, using these secrets, you make all the people around you think of you always and everywhere wrong).

Determine the nature of the dispute

Professor of rhetoric and coach of discussion at Oregon State University, Mark Porrovekchio believes that understanding the nature of the differences helps to determine how to resolve them faster and better than most.

"Disputes are different depending on the type and context. The argument that works in an argument with a loved one, can only add fuel to the fire in a dispute with a colleague at work. "

Adjust the tone of your voice and the content of your arguments, depending on the opponent and the place where you discuss. The dispute alone is different from the dispute in a public place. This idea is as old as the dispute itself. More Sophists and Aristotle expressed it.

Specify the type of person your opponent

Sometimes the value system and the origin of your opponent you do not know, but sometimes you well know them. Use this information.

Most people are either impulsive or analytically, says Professor of the International School of Business and co-author of Haltom books Charm: neurobiology and consumerism Prince Guman. "Some people tend to behave more impulsively, so you can reach them by using emotion and empathy, - he said. - Others are more cautious and reasonable, and you need the analytical arguments to convince them. "

... and his moral principles

With regard to the political and ideological disputes, here we meet with different angles, under which different people see the world. According to the theory of moral grounds, proposed by social psychologists, most people look at society through six pairs of concepts:

care / indifference, justice / injustice, loyalty / betrayal, respect for authority / the desire to overthrow the government, moral purity / degradation and

liberty / suppression of freedom.

Man sticking politically liberal views, for example, it is easier to persuade by argument, associated with compassion and justice, while for the conservator may be more important than loyalty and appeal to the authorities.

Each person has its own unique view of the importance of each pair of the above-mentioned concepts and the realization that a pair of concepts prevalent in the vision of the world opponent can really get through to him in the dispute.

"One of the reasons why it is so difficult to overcome ideological differences lies in the fact that people are trying to appeal to their own ethical views, rather than to the views of their opponents." Try to base their arguments on the moral code of his counterpart.

Use emotions - but do not rely only on them

The dispute without emotion is almost not possible - after all, we are all humans. But emotion alone is not the best way to achieve his. "Any dispute, even based on the actual argument is not without emotional component", - says Porrovekchio.

Author of the success equation: Path to an emotionally rich life Sherry Campbell said, it pays to be emotional, but do not get too carried away - especially if the dispute concerns the professional moments. With regard to interpersonal differences is difficult without displays of affection do. In addition, the need kindness and honesty. "Sometimes emotional arguments help people throw out the accumulated bitterness and get to the bottom of the existing problems in relations, - says Campbell. - Only if you put in the conversation on compassion rather than the desire to be right at all costs, your emotional arguments will conceive action. "

Ideally, the emotional and rational arguments need to be balanced. "If the argument you want to gain the upper hand by relying solely on emotion, your arguments will be met with suspicion, - says Porrovekchio. - Your opponent can not believe the feelings are not backed by information or details. "

Do not forget the compassion

"Try to back up your words the history of the lives of your friends. Your arguments should be specific, not generalized ", - says Guman.

He cites research psychologist at the University of Oregon, which demonstrated that some people are more willing to give money to a needy person than a group of people. This is because most of us easier to empathize with being alone than in company. In dispute use this feature to your advantage - find (or imagine) a special person, who may desperately need that you have won the argument.

For example, if you prove that a certain Peggy can not be fined for what she parked in the wrong place, in order to try to save his dog on the road, you will soon gain the victory. It will be a big difference if you call it "dog hostess Peggy" and "Peggy, who took from the shelter pooch, pit bull, and an old chihuahua". The latter will sound much more convincing. Meanwhile, empathic details can not be used as a substitute for actual information, they should serve as a complement to the facts.

Tell stories

Stories in disputes go hand in hand with empathy and form a strong support your arguments. Gather together empathy, facts and emotions to your story sounded intriguing and exciting, and your argument will be very difficult to refute. When your view is organically fit into the overall story, it is almost impossible to find fault.

impact on an opponent by physical tricks

People subconsciously imitate interlocutors in social situations. This behavior, say psychologists, gives an emotional connection. Consciously echoing opponent gestures are also well known way to win him over to their side. Try to lean back, if your opponent has done so; cross your arms or legs after conversationalist.

Look the person in the eye when listening to it - so you weaken his confidence in his own arguments, and you will look more convincing. In addition, according to the findings of researchers, it is possible to lower your voice to sound more dominant.

Remain calm

It does not matter whether you are using an analytical or emotional type of argument, stay as relaxed as possible. "The dispute is best to stay calm and speak slowly - you will not be able to cry out and say slowly at one and the same time, - says Campbell. - Forcing himself to speak more slowly, you will be able to keep emotions under control, and to think more intelligently. " Complicated? And there is. "This requires self-discipline, but it is the easiest way to focus."

Practice in a dispute

Like most skills, the success achieved in the debate on long exercises. Disputes in schools, colleges, during formation in the profession will go in your favor. "Work hard to improve the technique of the dispute, the content of their arguments over their supply; then use the acquired skills in real life situations. " Porrovekchio admitted that he enjoyed watching his students become not just great debaters, but also virtuoso speakers with critical thinking.

Reformat argument

Not all disputes should be right at any cost - that is, to achieve what many people seem to win. It can be considered a victory, and the result, when a person with whom you disagreed, expressed respect for your opinion, even if you did not change his. "Sometimes the dispute is necessary to replace the usual conversation. In this case, the question of victory or defeat disappear by itself, and instead of them can be formed very constructive discussion ", - says Campbell.

If none of these solutions does not work, go

Sometimes it takes insidious forms of dispute or argument begin to walk in a circle. If you feel that your dispute does not move from the dead point, ask your opponent bluntly: "Is there anything that could change your point of view? If the answer is no, believe me, the way it is. End the conversation and go ", - says Guman. Sometimes the dispute is delayed and it is normal. You will still benefit if learned something. Healthy debate is able to expand your view of the world and of himself.